A new beginning...

Today I deleted all my other blog entries. In the past weeks everything in my life has changed.

I guess it all changed when we got the phone call. I was napping on the couch, tired from work. (I got hired at McDonald's) It was my mom's best friend's husband. His name is Noble and my mom's best friend is Karen. I heard my mom scream and break out into tears. Karen had passed away, she choked to death. Her oldest child, Nick, found her choking and threw her on the ground and started CPR. But he couldn't save her. When I heard that I started to cry. Karen is like an aunt to me, almost like a second mother. My sister, Karen's four children, and I grew up together. Nick and I are best friends and we have been in love since we were young. When I heard about everything that had happened I just started to cry, my mom was crying as well. I don't remember a lot from that day, just inconsolable sadness and deep regret.

I should explain things between me and Nick. We've been in love since we were children, one of my best memories was our first kiss when we were both like six. In the past two years me and Nick have gotten serious. He lives in Virginia while I live in Texas. We would talk everyday for hours. Then last November he came down to Texas to live with us. On Christmas he asked me to marry him. We were engaged for five months when somethings happened which I won't get into. We went on a break, he went back to Virginia, and we stopped speaking. The day of Karen's death was the first I had heard from him in months but it wasn't a few days later that I actually spoke to him.

When I heard that he tried to save his mom but couldn't I remember a promise I had made him. I promised him that I would always be there for him. I was so angry with myself because I wasn't there, I wasn't there to hold him and comfort him. It wasn't until two days later that I gathered enough courage to speak to him. When I did I felt all of my love sworm up inside of my heart. I tried to move on from Nick when we went on break, I got rid of his stuff, his pictures, I tried to pretend it never happened. I knew the second I heard his voice that I had never moved on.

As the days rolled by my mom started to think about moving to Virginia. We haven't made a decision if we are going to move or not but chances are that we will. My mom, my sister, and I are all for it but my father is the only thing holding us back. My mom says she doesn't want to make a decision in grief so she isn't pushing for it very hard.

I feel so lost. I thought I was in love with Miq and I was going to move to Seattle with him but now I don't know what I am going to do. I might end up with Nick and getting married, starting our lives together. Things could happen between me and Nick again and we could end up hating each other but right now I just don't know whatr fate has in store for me.

And Karen, rest in peace.