Confessions and confusion

I have something I need to confess, I swore not to tell this to anyone but I have to say it. Yesterday my friend Tony called me and asked if it was okay for him to come over to my house, I asked my dad and he was fine with it. I was excited to see Tony, we were really close friends and I hadn't seen him in a few months. When Tony came over to the house he had his twin brother, Jay with him. I know his brother well so I wasn't mad that he came too. We chilled outside for a while talking and just having a good time. After a while Jay walked home, he had to go check on some job applications.

That left just me and Tony but then suddenly everything changed. We started talking about serious things like relationships. He asked about Nick and I told him that we were planning about getting back together when he comes back to Texas but I was unsure about the whole thing. Lately I have had a lot of doubts about me and Nick. I asked Tony about his girlfriend, Audra. He told me they weren't doing well and he thought they were going to break up.

We continued talking and then we get onto the subject of me and him. I had told him in the past that I liked him and he had told me he told me that he liked me back as well. Next thing I know we are getting closer together and he looks me straight in the eyes, "There is something I want to do but I'm not sure if I should" he says. Call it a woman's intuition but I knew what he was talking about. "I think people should do what they want to do, not what they should do" I said. He paused for a moment and then his lips were on mine. We kissed for a while and then he got a phone call from his brother telling him he needed to go home because his mom wanted him home.

To be honest, I dunno why I did it. Nick and I aren't together but I feel like I have cheated on him. I told one of my friends and they told me not to worry and I was silly to think that Nick isn't doing the same thing in Virginia. I don't think Nick would do something like that but maybe I'm wrong......

Work and other things that have been keeping me busy...

I apologize for not posting in long time, I have been so busy with work. I recently got a job at the local McDonald's. It keeps me really busy, I work atleast five days a week and generally when I am not working I'm either sleeping or I'm talking on the phone with Nick.

Nick and I have settled our differences and decided to try again. This was not an easy decision because I knew if I choose between Miq and Nick I would leave one hurt. It took me a few days to choose but after searching my heart I knew there only one thing I could do, I had to chose Nick. I decided I had to tell Miq everything that was going on and hope he wasn't too mad.

I picked up the phone and as I dialed Miq's number my heart raced. He picked up and we had a long conversation and I told him my choice. He laughed and I'll never forget what he said, "I'm happy for you, baby girl". I could almost see him smiling through the phone. After a while we said our goodbyes and hung up. I was so confused, why would he be happy for me? Did he know I was in love with Nick the whole time? I started to laugh, that is just like Miq to do something so unexpected.

It won't be for a while until I see Nick again but he plans on moving down here soon to be with me. I can't wait for the day to have him in my arms again.

A new beginning...

Today I deleted all my other blog entries. In the past weeks everything in my life has changed.

I guess it all changed when we got the phone call. I was napping on the couch, tired from work. (I got hired at McDonald's) It was my mom's best friend's husband. His name is Noble and my mom's best friend is Karen. I heard my mom scream and break out into tears. Karen had passed away, she choked to death. Her oldest child, Nick, found her choking and threw her on the ground and started CPR. But he couldn't save her. When I heard that I started to cry. Karen is like an aunt to me, almost like a second mother. My sister, Karen's four children, and I grew up together. Nick and I are best friends and we have been in love since we were young. When I heard about everything that had happened I just started to cry, my mom was crying as well. I don't remember a lot from that day, just inconsolable sadness and deep regret.

I should explain things between me and Nick. We've been in love since we were children, one of my best memories was our first kiss when we were both like six. In the past two years me and Nick have gotten serious. He lives in Virginia while I live in Texas. We would talk everyday for hours. Then last November he came down to Texas to live with us. On Christmas he asked me to marry him. We were engaged for five months when somethings happened which I won't get into. We went on a break, he went back to Virginia, and we stopped speaking. The day of Karen's death was the first I had heard from him in months but it wasn't a few days later that I actually spoke to him.

When I heard that he tried to save his mom but couldn't I remember a promise I had made him. I promised him that I would always be there for him. I was so angry with myself because I wasn't there, I wasn't there to hold him and comfort him. It wasn't until two days later that I gathered enough courage to speak to him. When I did I felt all of my love sworm up inside of my heart. I tried to move on from Nick when we went on break, I got rid of his stuff, his pictures, I tried to pretend it never happened. I knew the second I heard his voice that I had never moved on.

As the days rolled by my mom started to think about moving to Virginia. We haven't made a decision if we are going to move or not but chances are that we will. My mom, my sister, and I are all for it but my father is the only thing holding us back. My mom says she doesn't want to make a decision in grief so she isn't pushing for it very hard.

I feel so lost. I thought I was in love with Miq and I was going to move to Seattle with him but now I don't know what I am going to do. I might end up with Nick and getting married, starting our lives together. Things could happen between me and Nick again and we could end up hating each other but right now I just don't know whatr fate has in store for me.

And Karen, rest in peace.